Meow

pontmercyanide:

some flowers just arrived for my sister but my mom thought they were for me.

and so she asked if they were from henry and of course i asked what the hell she was talking about

and she was like “henry, the boy you’re always talking about.”

she meant henry david thoreau.

i quote henry david thoreau so much my mom thought henry david thoreau was my boyfriend

(via laughbitches)

cleadmau5:

larapeople:

I just realized that the word bed looks like a bed

My brain literally stopped working for a second

(via andrewthecoolone)

isurvivedthekobayashimaru:

I was at walmart the other day, and I was sitting on a bench waiting for my mom to pay, and I was braiding my hair because that’s something I do when I’m bored, and this dude walks by and says, “hey baby, what else can you do with your hands?” I gave him my most polite smile and said in the sweetest way possible, “strangle you.”

And I think I actually scared him because his eyes got kind of wide and he just walked away.

(via laughbitches)

221b-sherlock:

radioactinc:

patbee:

i just saw this picture of shrek

and i’m laughing because it’s as if i’m about to give him a blowjob

tears are coming out of my eyes

that’ll do donkey

that’ll do

YOU RUINED MY CHILD HOOD

(via laughbitches)

batreaux:

you walk over to the chamber of secrets and whisper “i have a crush on my cousin”. the basilisk comes over to you and says “you totally misinterpreted the use of this chamber and also you’re pretty fuckin gross”

(via laughbitches)

saltfree:

if you’re upset about the finale of your show this week, no matter which show it is, take comfort in the fact that anything that happened can’t possibly be as awful as Dan being Gossip Girl

(via batcows)